There’s three important factors when we’re talking about the kinds of relationships women think they should be having. I think taking these into account when entering or observing a relationship could potentially really do something for our generation… like maybe, helping us having meaningful and open lines of communication. I realize that’s asking a lot, but let’s start out with the first element responsible for relationship letdowns and we’ll see if you’re on the same page I am after.

Element one: A successful father figure with appropriately endless love for his daughter(s) tries to micromanage their lives, while still wanting them to find a strong provider of their own.

Our Ideal:
Not every Disney movie has a father figure, but when they do… man, they are the best goddamn dads. They love their daughters wholeheartedly, without reservation even when their behavior is at its worst. Typically these fathers border on being too involved with their daughters lives, pushing this daughter-turned-woman to marry (think The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, Pocahontas, Mulan, etc.) Early on in the plot they butt heads over what she should be doing with her life–after all, this intelligent, vibrant, attractive female wants to do more with herself than just marry a suitor of her father’s choosing.

Then she runs off to experience the world without being under her father’s thumb… and meets the man of her dreams. You know, the successful one that isn’t her father but resembles him in many ways. Once the family is reunited, daddy meets his daughter’s love interest and realizes that this suitor is capable of taking care of his little girl monetarily in ways her father probably couldn’t. Handed off like the prize that she is in her father’s eyes, queue wedding scene, cut to a chaste-but-loving kiss and daddy waving stoically as his daughter rides off into the sunset in the arms of her new beau. She has done him proud by following the life plan he had set out for her (one she “grew up” and realized he was right, of course.)

And the real…
Girls are rarely close with their fathers throughout the years when they need them most. Through that rocky pubescent period, even the best fathers are unsure of how to handle us growing and changing. We are physically becoming an embodiment of femininity, yet remain children in their eyes. More so now than ever, there’s the concern of a father being too involved with his daughter’s life while she matures. Not to say there weren’t cases of sexual abuse at the hands of fathers in the past, but courtesy of day-time TV and those speeches pounded into our head by school guidance counselors at a young age, girls are on edge–just waiting for some kind of inappropriate contact to occur.

While fathers have to fear for their daughters being attacked, molested, or raped by a man, society fears that they (the fathers) will be the ones to do wrong. I suppose it gives them every reason to hesitate when it comes to tucking their daughters in at night with the door closed, or hugging their teenaged ‘princess’ unless it’s from the side.

So they put up this safe distance for all these years when we need to be hearing from men about what is (and more importantly, what isn’t) acceptable behavior from a boyfriend or lover. In retrospect, I wish more of those “good” fathers I knew growing up sat down and told their little girls when to leave a guy. While I’d like to say most of us learned our lesson the hard way, I don’t think most women have fully grasped the concept. Why else would our friends in their 30′s and beyond struggle with the same issues revolving around codependency and abusive relationships that they did in high school?

And is that really due to a lack direct discussion about the topic with someone we (generally) idolize, like our fathers? I’m not sure, but I suspect it has something to do with it.

Think about every girl you know. We may have been close to our fathers as children, or developed one of those parent-turned-friend type of relationship as we’ve become comfortable with being full grown women… but really? We hate our dads, we love our dads, we deny any Oedipal-type desire to find a man like our father to take care of us for as long as we both shall live.

We’re looking for daddy in all the wrong places, ladies.

A few weeks back I found this: 8 reasons to move on from a relationship/dating experience. However, the list seemed to be missing a few key points I wind up bringing up when counseling my female friends about the lame dudes they go out with. I’m posting my additions here for all of you ladies (and fellas) that need to clue in about when to say fuck it & search for Mr. Right elsewhere.

1. If he doesn’t call without you having to ask, move on.
Jesus this is so true. I hate the “who’s going to call/text/IM to initiate hanging out” game–it’s awkward and frankly, after high school these types of power games need to end. More importantly, why should you have to ask someone to call?

2. If he doesn’t text/call you at a reasonable hour, move on.
Huzzah! I wish I could get more of my girlfriends to understand that if you’re only hearing from a dude at 2am, it’s because he’s only got one thing on his mind at that hour. Trust me, it isn’t what hilarious insight you give about your day before he tries to cram his hands down your pants.

3. If you’re telling him everything about your life and he’s not telling you anything about his, move on.
I understand having pieces of your life you don’t address until you’re comfortable with someone… but if he knows your life story & is being shady about his own, that’s a red flag you should not ignore.

4. If he doesn’t remember anything you say, move on.
Portions of long-winded conversations are forgivable – the fact he can’t remember if you have any living relatives is not. This is one of those “use common sense, not sympathetic sense” types of situations.

5. If he continues to talk to a girl that’s not his best friend even after you’ve expressed your discomfort towards the whole situation, move on.
I think it goes without saying that this is under certain circumstances, and only applicable when there is some type of dual-sided romantic tension.

6. If he’s an asshole to those in the service industry, move on.
Nothing is more appalling than a man mistreating a waitress/gas station attendant/etc. unnecessarily. Be polite, over-tip when the service is good. I remember boys in younger years being mean to people in an attempt to impress the people around them. Let me assure you that kind of behavior does not produce the same results in adulthood.

Gentlemen, make note of this. You have no idea how many second dates I didn’t go on after watching my date mistreat our cocktail server, bartender, or taxi cab driver.

7. If he’s unwilling to deal with your baggage, move on.
Up to a point, I agree. Once high school is over the baggage accumulates and the fact is, everyone’s got some. However if any chick rolls up with several steamer trunks, roll-alongs and multiple hand-held bags you boys should be jumping ship.

8. If there is no chemistry, move on.
Hello, this is a no-brainer! It’s also the one thing I was constantly having to explain myself for doing. You don’t think all those guys I met just mysteriously quit being interesting, do you? I wasn’t feeling it.

Those were the original eight… but it wouldn’t be like me not to include at least a few more of my own creation.

9. If he isn’t good to his mother, move on.
In my mind, this is the best way to see how a guy treats women in his life… especially in the long term. I’m talking about guys that blow off their mother’s repeated calls/texts/emails, speak ill of them, or talk down to their mom in front of you. Generally a guy that isn’t good to his mother isn’t going to be good to you, either. (Case in point.) Now, there are exceptions to this rule but we’re not talking about someone who’s mother beat them and locked them in closets throughout their childhood.

Of all the signs that a dude is a total jerkoff that girls ignore, I think this one is the most common.

10. If he doesn’t do the little manner-related things all ladies love (holding the door, letting you order first at meals) move on.
Guess what, people with manners are awesome! Men that say please, thank you, and hold your door are out there–don’t waste your time with someone who treats you like one of the bros. This is more about him taking into account that you are a lady and he should treat you as such than him being old-fashioned. Besides, this is a nice way to crawl inside a dude’s head and allows you to speculate about them potentially having a *gasp* normal, healthy upbringing.

11. If he always has to have the last bite–be it of dinner, dessert, or popcorn at the movie theater–move on.
I’m not saying he should be letting you have the last bite all the time – but he should offer it on a regular basis. Men that are considerate when it comes to the little things like the last bite are also more likely to find meeting your needs in other departments *ahem* of importance.

12. If all the things he offers to do consist of imbibing vices to make up for your virtues, move on.
Drunks are boring. No, I don’t want to go to the bar every time we go out. I don’t care if it’s the first thing we do or the last thing we do… it seems to be the only thing people my age do. BORING!

Besides, there’s something to be said for guys that have more going on than just a schedule of bar appearances they feel obligated to make nightly. Movies, dinner, drawing inappropriate pictures with sidewalk chalk? That’s the shit movie moments are made of… not round eight at his local watering hole.

13. If he doesn’t brush his teeth, clean his ears, and pay attention to the length of his nose hairs… move on.
While every girl I can think of has dated at least one absentminded professor type, at this modern age of appearance meaning everything there is no excuse to be gross. Guess how many third dates I avoided after realizing someone hadn’t taken a q-tip to his waxy buildup for at least a few weeks?

Let me be clear: I’m not saying you should only seek out crazy metrosexuals with consistently well-groomed coifs and weekly manicure/pedicure appointments. But if a dude can’t be bothered to clean up a bit before taking you out, can you imagine what yummy smells/flavors might be waiting for you at the end of the rainbow later? (Trust me, I can and none of them make me want to say ‘aahh’.)

That’s it folks. Bottom line? Use some G.D. common sense.

Usually I try to stay out of my dude friends’ business; they tend to date the most insane girls ever and for the most part I let them because after three weeks they clue in & dump ‘em. Except one of my friends didn’t clue in, and I asked him to write about it a bit now that they’ve had a messy breakup laced with internet drama and an airing of each other’s dirty laundry. Which means of course I invited him to air his frustrations via my blog, because that’s what friends do!

Right?

Am I wrong to think that steady sex is an important factor in a successful relationship? Everyone’s definition of “steady sex” is way different. For me it means daily, or at least 4 to 5 times a week. So, if that’s the case, why did I spend a year with someone who only fucked me a couple of times a month?

When we first met, it was a few times a week. I thought nothing of it because our sexual chemistry was great. I figured she’d just get to a point where she felt super comfortable and then I’d tear it up a few times a day… then it started to dwindle.

After a few months it was once a week, then once every two weeks. Every time we fucked, I wasn’t supposed do anything other than just missionary. When I said “turn over” or something, I got the “I don’t want to” or a “noooo, I’m lazy.” Really, this bitch would not let me express my artistic sexuality. After six months I asked myself, “Why am I jerking off so goddamn much? I have a bitch in my bed every night. There should be lips, snatch or bootyhole around my dick.”

I brought it up with the gal and I got the typical “I’m tired,” “I work too much,” “I’m just not in the mood” excuses. I worked far more hours than she did and came home tired. but I made sure my dick was ready for anything.

Of course, this turned into an argument which ended with some make-up sex…but again, the day after it was as dry as Ashy Larry. I was concerned because we had this vacation coming up and if I didn’t get crazy pussy for the money I shelled out, I was going to be super pissed. I just wanted to be intimate with the person I loved, you know?

So there we are in a foreign country, staying in a 5-star hotel overlooking a lake. There was something she kept calling “scenery”, wild animals running about and all kinds of shit chicks appreciate. I dropped money on expensive dinners, souvenirs, tattoos, etc. every day. Yet each night ended early with me wondering what her fucking problem was.

The last night we’re there, I am waiting to unload a monster nut and as I’m trying to initiate some intimacy she tells me she’s exhausted. I was pissed. We got back home the next day and I laid on the guilt about her not fucking me on this trip. As she was working on making it up to me, I made sure to “accidentally” cum on her face. Monster load in her eye. It was classic and I managed to make my “I’m sorry” believable while not smiling… it was fucking hard. She was lucky so many of her rat-fink friends were around during this trip, or I would have gotten my fuck on elsewhere.

Month 7 came and went without even a game of “just the tip.” She insisted that I was not the problem, but I was becoming “overly sexual” to which I replied, “IF YOU DIDN’T HOLD OUT ON THE PUSSY, YOU WOULDN’T BE SO IRRITATED BY ME TRYING TO FUCK YOU ALL THE TIME.”

I gave up after this… over the span of summer to winter we fucked maybe 10 times. Each time was like the first time I lost my virginity all over again. I didn’t even know what to do or how to react during the times my dick was in her mouth (which was even more limited than penetration). There was even a rare moment where we had sex two days in a row. This may sound pathetic, but trust me, if you’re not getting enough pussy, you’ll remember each and every time you got your dick wet.

When you suspect something, you suspect something… I went through her phone. Shitty move, but something was up. There were several texts to one of her girlfriends, the worst one read “I know what you mean. I’m already thinking what it’d be like to bone somebody who isn’t John Doe.”

John Doe being me, of course.

“What did I just read? Did this bitch just say she wanted to fuck other people?” I said to myself. Not only was she saying she didn’t want me anymore, but she was talking about having sex! I brought it up, only to learn she was “confused” and felt weird about us but didn’t want to break it off. I, stupidly, didn’t tell her to go fuck herself right then and there. The next month was really just a prolonged ending-she moved out and got her own place. We were still together, but broke up Christmas night because I’ve “changed.” A bullshit reason, but I was actually relieved.

Now I miss the convenience of having someone there (rarely) but that’s it. I know at some point I’ll find myself a bad bitch who is willing to do freaky shit with me whenever I want. Before I go I have to ask: What is wrong with these broads who don’t want to fuck on the regular? Ladies, if you love your man and he loves you back then FUCK HIM. Fuck him often, fuck him well. Do freak shit that will keep him around forever. Guys, if you’ve been in it with a broad for a long time and she’s not fucking you as much as you want, you need to leave that bitch. There are freak ho’s out there that will do it a lot more than the one you got.

I’m so proud of you, buddy.

Right now I’m amused by the fashion industry’s recent attempts to tell me that they’re into all of us “plus sized” girls. Like how several months ago Glamour tried to convince those of us capable of pinching an inch that they were down with fatties by using the girl pictured below. This girl is probably not any bigger than a size 10, which I’m pretty sure is still below the national average. While they may not have edited out her stomach rolls, check out how much work was done from her armpits up. Photoshop strikes again!

V Magazine is running the January issue of their magazine called “The Size Issue”. Mind you, their idea of a plus-sized model is someone measuring 36-31-41 at 5’9″. My friends, that is not anywhere close to being proportionate measurements for anyone falling into the plus-sized category. Regardless, France is seriously considering passing a law that requires all retouched photos be labeled as such. If a skinny place like France is recognizing the impact on their young women I fail to see why everyone else is having a hard time grasping the concept.

Further outrage… Ralph Lauren fired a model for being “too fat” & she’s 5’8″ and 120lbs. So don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that women are up in arms over what we’re seeing & being made to believe is physiologically feasible. I just don’t know if I believe any real good will come from all these “oh sweetie love your body” mixed messages we’re being shown by the same people that have made me question my appearance for the past 6 years.

Guys are these the kinds of things you look at and say “fuck yes, I wanna be with that bitch”?

More importantly, is this what most women secretly wish they looked like? I’ll step up to the plate and tell you that I spend a lot of time lamenting about the fact that I am not built like Kate Moss. However it seems I’m the only one complaining about the hips/ass/thigh phenomenon that hit me around puberty. I’ve uttered the dreaded F-word in reference to myself at varying times and weights over the past few years to men that have seen me nude in person… they’ve all told me I’m nuts. Some have even been so bold as to suggest that I might want to up my sammich intake. So ladies, don’t waste your date by eating a salad (unless you’ve got serious butterflies) and guys, you aren’t going to be meeting girls from the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue any time soon. Thankfully, some of you men are really okay with that fact.

“Girls aren’t beautiful, they’re pretty. Beautiful is too heavy a word to assign to a girl. Women are beautiful because their faces show that they know, they have lost something and picked up something else.” -Henry Rollins

I think my real question is which one am I?

I’m sorry, but are you people really so fucking stupid as to not notice what’s being done here? Are you not terrified that the Republican party has essentially put a ventriloquist dummy next to McCain on the ticket? What’s going to happen to the cunt-ry (har har) when McCain has more health problems, dies, and we’re left with this little puppet in control of our nation? I’m freaked out by someone who didn’t even get briefed about some pretty basic interview topics. She compared herself to Abe Lincoln as she’s trying to tell me what to do with whatever sprouts up in my uterus. FAIL.

Few things scare me as much as the idea that this broad actually stands a chance of in any way being in control of how our nation is run. Apparently Matt Damon agrees with me.

I can’t stop laughing at this. Clearly the liberal press is out to keep the white man down.

He might be joking, but let me assure you that I’m not. Seriously ladies, I am absolutely disgusted by the vast majority of you. To quote one of the best memes on the entirety of the internet…

I just got back from six days in Long Island, which was pretty much amazing in every was possible aside from the fact that I never knew subways smelled so strongly of urine. That must be the hazard of growing up somewhere with essentially no public transit.

Last night while in the grocery store I saw Henry Rollins and almost peed myself. No seriously, I know people say that all the time but I almost lost control of my bladder. I can’t help but be fascinated by someone I see as comfortable with his own inner rage towards society at large… not to mention able to handle being lonely. I didn’t say hello, or try to initiate conversation because I’m sure he really just wanted to buy some food and get the fuck out of there. This is definitely better than when I awkwardly ran into Davey Havok at Starbucks earlier this year (literally). Maybe living in Hollywood isn’t that bad if it means throwing myself down aisles of the supermarket to avoid making an ass of myself in front of people I actually have some semblance of respect for in this town.

While we’re talking about respect, I think this may be the best article about Sarah Palin that I have come across online. I don’t care about how badly you want a woman somewhere in the White House (aside from being a First Lady, I suppose) please tell me people aren’t stupid enough to believe this woman is in any way going to appropriately look out for the women of this cunt-ry. Oh look, I made a punny!

I realize all my female friends might hate me, but I really think I’m spot-on with this business. (Not like very many women aspire to be my friend, because honestly I am fairly intolerable for most chicks to deal with.)

If you laughed even a little bit at the first story maybe you can stomach my other two personal favorites… “why women hate sex” and “feminism is a business“.

While we’re on the subject of all the ways in which I routinely prove myself to think women have no value, allow me to show you a sneak peek from one of my new sets for GodsGirls.

Yes, I took off my clothes for money. Yes, that is an affiliate link because being this awesome doesn’t pay for itself. I’m not sure if I can continue to crack jokes about how I’m a woman and just want to sponge off of you considering this post’s proximity to one about my desire to get married.

Hmm…