ickis.com / Julene Horowitz

Courtesy of an anonymous friend, because we all know I can’t write blogs worth reading all the time. ;)

This is completely paraphrased and I can’t even tell you which of my friends originally said it, but it went something like this: There’s no such thing as a gateway drug. If you drink or do drugs, then you have made the decision to BE a person who drinks or does drugs. People, American people, too often are caught up in the minutia of the different negative connotations of abusing their bodies one way or another and attach their own version of righteousness or rationalize it however they want. The fact remains, you are fucking with your chemistry to achieve a certain effect.

How do you think this applies to sex? (more…)

Usually I try to stay out of my dude friends’ business; they tend to date the most insane girls ever and for the most part I let them because after three weeks they clue in & dump ‘em. Except one of my friends didn’t clue in, and I asked him to write about it a bit now that they’ve had a messy breakup laced with internet drama and an airing of each other’s dirty laundry. Which means of course I invited him to air his frustrations via my blog, because that’s what friends do!

Right?

(more…)

Guestblogging is cool, because it gets me out of having to write anything and makes someone else accountable for entertaining you. Just kidding, I just figured you guys would appreciate something different, something… more male. You know, like bitching about bitches with crayons.

I have very little faith in the human race, and my job only serves to further diminish that faith daily. The last two days have served only to further that point.

For those of you who don’t know me, I work at a government owned community health center, I clean the filth left behind by the patrons and staff. Now normally, Julene is the one who generally gets subjected to my venting about the moronic actions of the people I clean up after, but I suppose she felt it was time to share the wealth.

This particular story began yesterday, where upon cleaning a section of cubicles I discovered a large patch of red crayon ground deeply into the carpet behind one of the desks. One of the ladies that works in this particular section of the building somehow managed to not only grind a crayon into the carpet, but was oblivious enough to do so repeatedly. In addition to this mess she left, there was a note taped to the floor next to it saying:

(By the way, the capitalization and punctuation is verbatim to how it was written on the note.)

For whatever reason, she felt it was appropriate to write the note with the red crayon in question. First she makes a fucking mess with the god damn crayon, and then writes me a note asking me to clean it up, written with none other than the source of the mess. This is the particular part that pissed me off.

If she had written the note in ink, that would’ve been fine, marker, ok too. Fuck if it was in finger paint I would have taken it home and posted it on my fridge. But with the red crayon? Seriously? Ma’am you are obviously older than I am, and I am 21 years old, there is not a single fucking reason for you to ever write a note to me in crayon.

Any note written to me by a middle-aged woman that could possibly have a hand turkey drawn on the back of it, is something I consider insulting to my intelligence.

There are only two reasons to ever write someone a note with a crayon:
1. you are in grade school, or
2. you are in a psych ward and they wont give you any other writing utensil because you might harm yourself or the people around you.

On a side note, the last person to write me a note in crayon was a 7-year-old girl who was in the class that I was assigned with for student teaching. She had the decency to at least write her note on a page from a coloring book and did a decent job coloring the picture as well. But again, she was SEVEN, which makes it completely acceptable for her to write in crayon. Fuck those kids even wrote me notes in pencil, which puts them way ahead of this asshole of a human being.

Now, luckily the crayon came out, and life went on, and I proceeded to finish my nightly work routine.

My irritation towards the crayon bitch had subsided, that is, until I came back to work today. Upon arriving at the same desk I found myself standing and staring at another note. Today’s note was again written in crayon, it sported a big THANK YOU with one of those smiley faces that have god damn exclamation points for eyes. I fucking hate those things. This woman is clearly one of those irritatingly mindless happy-go-lucky cheesy piece-of-shit people.

Anyway, it was upon seeing this I notified Julene of the situation. While I stood there praying crayon lady was sterile, I proceeded to look around her cubicle for any pictures of her kids. Unfortunately, it was too late, Crayola bitch managed to have offspring at some point, meaning she has done her part to weaken the human race. There are lots of people that should be sterilized, but they aren’t. So they fuck and have dumb ass kids, who grow up to write me notes in fucking red crayon.

Once again, I lose faith.