It’s not for lack of trying on my part–I’ve marched through my house in them for hours, going up and down the stairs trying not to break my ankle while swaying my ass seductively. All that practice and I never make it past the front door in them.

I’ve worn heels in public once, ever. It was the longest night of my life. The experience can easily be recounted: awkward, looming, giantess Julene frightened the. I tripped both up and down a flight of stairs and some dude called me a “huge bitch” a la Deuce Bigolo: Male Gigolo. Thanks to him I will forever equate my time in heels to that one particular scene. That movie really sucked, by the way.

When I look at photos of a girl in a pair of stilettos or cute little ankle booties it’s hard not to admire what those little footsy death traps can do to improve a girl’s shape from the waist down. But fuck man… they’re so uncomfortable. Besides, the average dude is weirded out enough by the fact that we’re close in height. Few guys have a desire to spend a night out with their lady when she’s towering over them by several inches–and I’m okay with that. When I think of dudes that want to see me in heels, BDSM gimps are the first thing that come to mind. That’s not the stuff dreams are made of.

I spent years thinking that maybe it was something I would adjust to; an acquired taste like wine or Indian food. Except it’s not: I’ve worn them around the house for hours on end and never come any closer to feeling like anything other than a newborn deer while wearing them.

I don’t want to give up on you, heels. I know that 2010 will not be the year of stilettos… but I refuse to allow it to be a year of wife beaters and Chucks (an apparently loathsome dress-down habit of mine) either. That’s why I’m thinking of buying these Dolce Vita black booties:

These are the make-me or break-me heels. If I can’t walk in these, I’m giving up and wearing flats for the rest of my life. Cross your fingers I figure out how to walk in these little black death traps without breaking my ankle. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll let you guys all sign my cast.