ickis.com / Julene Horowitz

Someone mentioned that my FOM (Fuckable Older Men, for you newer readers) series of posts was becoming just any celebrities I find attractive and not so much the significantly older ones. So let’s get back to the spirit of things shall we? Recently I’ve stumbled across a pretty ace looking FOM, born in 1959 even! What I’m really saying is that Hugh Laurie is a total babe.

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Someone told that having guys that aren’t quite 30 listed as FOM’s was cheating, so may I present to you a true fuckable older man, Viggo Mortensen. He’s 50 years old, so I think he definitely qualifies. I wasn’t into him in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, or any of his movies really–until I saw “Eastern Promises”.

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Now this is weird for me–I used to really despise Johnny Knoxville. I hated “Jackass” (both movies & the TV series) and the movie he played a retard in was fucking terrible too. But while perusing Terry Richards’ website I came across this photo which proved two things to me: PBR is still the shit, and that at 37 Johnny Knoxville is definitely a super fuckable older man.

Now while I used to think all those dumb stunts they did were, well, dumb… I’m sortof digging the idea of him showing up topless and covered in brutal purple bruises. I know, I’m sick.

I think this guy is deserving of some serious OMNOMNOMs… provided he’s better hung than Steve-O and doesn’t behave like Bam, that is.

Like me telling you I love John Mayer’s music, think he’s a total FOM, want to go on his cruise this spring, get the LOLzwith him, and otherwise just make my body his wonderland wasn’t enough… now I have to tell you that I want to watch him on children’s programming.

He even had something really gay he posted on his blog (which I can’t seem to lurk my way to, so a link would be nice):

“Of all the highlights in my career, I don’t know of one more sentimental than getting to walk through Sesame Street. Yes, there seems to be somebody always standing right below Elmo and his friends, mouthing along to everything they’re saying, but somehow I’m too filled with wonder to ever look at them. When you make contact with those big beautiful eyes, you’re done. Five years old again. Life is good.”

Apparently I can watch said episode in PBS on April Fool’s Day, but that is a long time away so here’s a preview.

You can all be utterly disgusted by me now, I vaguely sense that I deserve that.

I’ve been quietly carrying a torch for this guy for quite some time now. So what if this dude is 38 years old–he’s Texan, and he has some really nice looking nostrils. In fact, I’m pretty sure I dated one of my ex’s because of a strong resemblance. Even though he was a little on the gnarly-90′s side when I first “took notice” of him in Reality Bites I have to say the thought of a dude that could be such a complete mind-fuck got me wondering. (Yes, I realize actors are generally nothing like the characters they portray in movies but since that’s all I have to go off of please just let me have my fantasy.)

Here’s the thing: he reconciled for the epic-bad 90′s romantic comedy that is Reality Bites (which I love, for the record) by starring in Gattaca. Greasy hair be gone! Effeminate nostrils, activate!

I realized how truly attractive this man is after seeing him in Taking Lives–but it might’ve just been the slightly twinge of jealousy I had that he got to roll around naked with Angelina Jolie. I don’t care that it was just for a movie part or that everyone else said her boobs looked “saggy” in the unrated version of the film (a filthy lie if I ever heard one)… I was jealous. Then I looked at his perfect little pointy nose and realized I wanted to be sandwiched between the two.

That name probably doesn’t ring a bell. Do you recognize him? His name is Andy Samberg.

I seriously think this guy is the only reason SNL hasn’t been taken off the air… yet. Classics like Jizz in My Pants, Dick in a Box and A Day in the Life of Natalie Portman can all be attributed to this guy.

The guy’s only 30 and a mere 2″ shorter than I am. Someone should make this happen.