You guys have read about my adventures in e-dating and have clearly noticed the fact that few dudes last past three or four outings. One time I met a dude off the internet, and he was actually pretty cool. Attractive, smart, fun in bed; the trifecta of a good time. He was going to be leaving end of January for military shit overseas and things were flowing appropriately for that type of separation to be looming in the future. While it seemed like something legit could result, I wasn’t worried about it; I figured he’d leave and that would be the end of that.

I left town for New Years, and our communication became increasingly infrequent. This was the kind of guy whose phone died while he was out with friends so he borrowed his friend’s phone to keep texting (and then call) me; not responding to a text letting him know I was back in town for several weeks seems like a textbook case of loss of interest to me.

I’m a strong believer that ladies should not chase men or buses. When dudes flake I wind up putting all that energy into getting shit done. DMAC, m’dears. I was bummed that I didn’t get the last few weeks of quality romping out of it, but that was about it.

Until the Mormon (okay – former Mormon, but it’s what he’s being referred to for storytelling purposes) sent me a text in response to the last thing I had sent him a few weeks prior. Guys out there, that’s some super ballsy shit to try to pull with any girl. We always remember how long it’s been since the last time we spoke, and you acting like you haven’t been ignoring us adds insult to injury. So I sent him a sassy message which pretty clearly let him know to fuck off.

I think it’s pretty clear from that text how I feel: not into it. So him getting sassy back was at the least, unexpected. So I went the extra mile, linking The Oatmeal’s list of commonly misspelled words.

Well at least he sort of got the message about the misspelled words thing. Except not. I’m not even going into the implication that I was referring to myself as large.

As far as I can tell there’s only a few cardinal sins in the Kingdom of Manhood. One of them is leaving yourself open to insults regarding your mother. Trust me, I came up with some fucking doozies. Why I decided to take the high road is beyond me, but I missed out on a great opportunity to unleash the fury on this dude.

A three text follow up, all within seconds of each other. Really? Yeah, really. The rest of the exchange pretty well speaks for itself, I think.

C’mon Mormon boy, no dude in their 20′s goes over a week without looking at their phone. If he had missed it surely his message to me would not have been a response to to it. A “sorry I blew you off” or even an “I’ve been super busy”–fine! It’s just… I hate rude, indirect people. A couple weeks is some ‘go fuck yourself’ shit, IMO. But he wasn’t done yet! Oh no.

This whole exchange was already super funny. Did anyone else’s eyebrows go up at that last text? More importantly, do dudes really say shit like that? This is the type of thing I would expect out of the mouth of a mildly psychotic emotional masochist… see also: girl. It’s one thing to play games, but the “I’m testing you to see if you really like me” thing went out with high school & having sex in the front seats of compact cars as far as I’m concerned.

On the offhand chance that I was doing that whole “crazy ass chick” thing without realizing it, I related the whole exchange to three of my straight guy friends. The overall response seems to be that none of the guys I asked about all this will ever date me for fear of losing an argument to me, and that his goodbye schpiel borders on fag-like. Sounds like a pretty fair assessment to me.

At this point I figured the Mormon was done; he’d told me off via text message and now I could delete his number from my phone… except he called me the next afternoon. In retrospect I should’ve just let the call hit voicemail but I figured it would at least be funny… and it was.

He proceeded to apologize for not calling me for several weeks, told me I was “really cool” and that he enjoyed all the time we had spent together. Most of this conversation was a litany of excuses, so let me throw out the two highlights.

Me: “So you blow me off for two weeks and then apologize, following a text telling me how apologies are never sincere. You realize you look like a total tool right now, right?”

Mormon: “Yeah but it wasn’t that I blew you off… I just forget to call people. So when I don’t hear from anyone for a while I realize I haven’t returned any calls or texts. But really, I feel bad. I apologize.”

Me: “Just so you know, regardless of how casual a situation you’re in there’s still a certain amount of etiquette required. Not talking to a girl for a few weeks that you were sleeping with, then hitting her up while drunk to argue is not saying anything to me except that you’re hard up for sex before you ship out.”

Mormon: “I am not hard up for sex, thank you.”

Hung yourself with that one, buddy. Have fun with whatever five you’ll be boinking until you leave. Best of luck in Afghanistan by the way. Avoid those land mines, chicks are rarely willing overlook when you’re missing both a leg and manners.

Guy #2: A guy with one photo always makes me wary–there’s something about people who don’t have asshole friends with a desire to capture every last Kodak moment that I just don’t trust. We met up for cheeseburgers & mocked not only several tatt’d up bros, but the morbidly obese guy that ordered four double-doubles. (Don’t worry, we did it under our breaths in true Paris Hilton style!) Following that we went directly to the bar where I learned about celebrities he had worked as an assistant for and how terrible their supermodel girlfriends were. I ended the evening wishing I had been out with said celebrity, since he is probably at least the height he claims to be on the internet.

Guy #3: Older, wiser… and slightly weirder than who I thought I was going to be meeting off the internet. What is it about older guys and making out? Maybe I’m miswired but I don’t want to make out for 30 minutes. Fuck, I really don’t even want to be making out for 10 minutes, regardless of your skill level. His consistent mentioning of moving elsewhere and telling me how much I’d like it there too got old with a quickness. Eventually he became annoyed because I keep a pretty busy schedule and generally don’t have time to see someone two to three times a week, and sent me an email saying that Sasha Grey’s role in “The Girlfriend Experience” made him think of me. I don’t know if he realizes how insulting that sort of comparison is, but I didn’t care enough to reply and tell him so. Sorry dude, hope you find a girl looking to relocate and down to be compared to shady porno chicks in the near future!

Guy #4: “Oh hi, I don’t look anything like my photos. Like, at all. Are you embarrassed by how wasted I’m getting? How about uncomfortable with the consistent sexual innuendo I’m dropping? What do you mean you’re leaving our date early? Aren’t my really fucked up teeth getting you randy?” This was an all-over fail dude that I couldn’t bring myself to be a dick to. Mostly out of concern that he had a garrote in his back pocket.

I’m serious, someone just needs to cough up $7,000 for my customized mail-order boyfriend.

That being said, apparently summer love fever has kicked in and another profile of mine on a different site is really poppin’. Poppin’ so hard I have a few amusing goodies to share with you.

I get a lot of messages like this, and it perplexes me. The presumption that anyone is “too cute” to be on a dating site doesn’t make much sense to me. I mean, most people I know have turned to internet dating sites at one point or another. For all this unnamed girl knows I am secretly fat (which we all know isn’t true) or totally insane (which is possibly a little true).

Did your jaw drop a little bit? Mine did. I think any additional commentary I may be tempted to add won’t really do anything more than decrease the shock value… but seriously dude are you fucking real? Make a mold of your cock together?

Guys out in internetland reading this, I hope you now understand why every woman you’ve ever messaged on one of these sites is hyper-sensitive and quick to stop responding once you say something slightly off color. It’s all because of dudes like this. If you live in LA and see him in public, feel free to punch him. In the face, not the dick because the latter is just asking for trouble.

But seriously e-dating is turning out to be a super big fail. Not sure of what course of action to take this point, or if I should just accept the internet who brought me the greatness of Pedobear still has certain limitations.

A while back I read the Vice Guide to Eating Pussy and while it was funny, I don’t think a guide is what men need. I’m sorry, but following directions is not always your strong suit. I’m so glad I’m not the only person that noticed this, because Lindsay Lewis has now covered “The 25 Hallmarks of Bad Cunnilingus”. Her list had me laughing so hard I was afraid I was going to pee my pants, I’m pretty sure most female readers will enjoy it. As for the men, well… some of you will probably realize you’ve been doing it wrong.

Of course no post is complete without me adding my two cents, so here they are:

- I remember once I had a guy drag his facial hair across my lady bits, and I didn’t even realize I’d kneed him in the ear until he was clutching his head and rolling on the floor. Really lads, it’s in your own best interest to either shave or at least not try to use your prickly chin to exfoliate my labia.

- I know you saw in it your favorite video, but tongue fucking is lame. I thought I was the only girl that wasn’t into it; it’s a good time to be wrong. Guess porno has led you boys astray yet again!

- Men with nails, you are cruel beasts. Nothing I tell you, nothing is worse than having your vagina raked. All hail the nail biters I say!

- Just a thought but guys… do you really not want to give a girl the heads-up before diving mouth (or pinkie) first towards those uncharted waters? Not that your enthusiasm isn’t appreciated or whatever.

- I sort of disagree about the courtesy wipe–if a girl won’t kiss you after you go down, you probably shouldn’t be giving her oral. Just don’t be surprised when she moves in for the kill shortly after you getting the best blowjob of your life, nah’mean?

- Who taught guys the lick-n-stick? Is that ingrained in you from birth–seriously I want to know. I know you keep lube around in case some girl begs you to give it to her greek style (you know, like that collection of movies I see hiding on your bookshelf) so quit being cheap and share the lub(e). And speaking of lube, please avoid anything heated, scented, or flavored. The alcohol content fucks up the pH levels of the twat, making all involved parties very sorry indeed.

- Let me do you a favor: if you don’t want to go down just say no. Nothing is worse than unenthusiastic oral, because you aren’t fooling anyone. Especially us, though sometimes we fool you by faking it to just move onto something else.

- Failure to respond to hints, taps, etc. Listen, if a girl tells you to stop, slow up, change your pace, or in any other way indicates that you’re doing it wrong and you don’t listen you’re clearly missing the point. Just give up while you’re ahead. (There’s a pun in there somewhere.)

- A serious note about queefing. “Etiquette: It didn’t happen, you didn’t hear it, and it is to be ignored completely and totally.”

My commentary aside, I was super stoked to see this girl covered all the bases–I hope she blogs again soon. This time maybe about hilarious anal “don’ts”, because we all know those yield the greatest possible LOL-factor.

FailFlirt9000: can we make out next time i come to LA?
FailFlirt9000: if i cut my hair?
Me: no.
FailFlirt9000: what if i take you on a date?
Me: you stuck your dick between my friend’s boobs
Me: that makes you neuter in my book; you’re like a ken doll
FailFlirt9000: you cant prove that
Me: this isn’t court
FailFlirt9000: friends share!
FailFlirt9000: you dont think im kinda cute?
Me: you’re not my type
FailFlirt9000: is your type guys who havent touched your friend boobs with their dick?
FailFlirt9000: whats your type?
Me: normal dudes?
Me: bros!
FailFlirt9000: i work out and watch football
FailFlirt9000: i played laccross in the 8th grade!
Me: you can’t like… convince me you’re my type
Me: it doesn’t work that way
[awkward silence]
FailFlirt9000: haha

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Several of my friends have asked why I’m on a dating site, and I can give you a really simple answer: because I seldom meet people who are of the caliber of a guy I’d want to actually date. I mean, it’s pretty rare I am ever on the same wavelength as the person I’m into. And how do I solve this problem? Why I do what any other geek would, and turn to the internet.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

• If there is a wink, nudge, flirt, woo, or any other feature that you could use to get someone’s attention without having to write a message… don’t use it. You look like a pussy and it makes me feel like nothing I’ve said about myself or my interests was interesting enough to warrant a message. Of all the wink/poke/prod/alerting I’ve received I’ve only messaged one person. And that is because he’s really, really good looking.
• Excessive complimenting should be avoided. It comes across like you are desperate–which I think both of us might be for using this website but let’s not go there–and you might worship the ground I walk on… sounds good in theory but in practice usually means I’ll think you’re a wimp. I don’t like wimps, because I am a tattooed badass… or something.
• Any of the following issues with your photos will probably lead to a lack of response: Myspace angles, all of them were taken with a camera phone, making a retard face in all photos you post, only having one picture up, photos clearly taken when everyone was still using film, and large groups of people where I can’t identify exactly which person you are.
• Apparently most people have not been told it’s in bad form to tell someone “they have siqq ink, bro.”
• Immediately asking for my phone number so we can ‘hang out’ is sketchy. Guess what girls do with messages from seemingly sketchy dudes? *DELETE!*
• Do not use something that sounds like it belongs on a t-shirt in Hot Topic to pick up on me. Case in point: “the voices told me to contact you” is not flattering at all. In fact, it makes me think there’s definite potential that you will threaten me with an axe at some point.
• This site is definitely geared towards the 30+ crowd, which might not be the best place for me. How can I tell? Because when it says “Someday, he will want children” below a potential date’s photo I feel my ovaries wither a little bit.

So far, precisely zero dates have occurred. I look forward to thoroughly embarrassing myself via internet while relating date stories.

I have a bit of a thing for Brazilians with a background in Jiu-Jitsu (thanks to a white ex-bf who had no talent for the sport but at least turned me on to it) so it was only natural that this would happen at some point. Watching the fight this weekend I got to watch his sweet knee-bar on Coleman won him the fight. It was sexy, it was hot, it made me feel like maybe I shouldn’t even be admitting this.

Any suggestion as to what I should refer to delicious bits of man-meat like this dude as? (I’d like to at this point at least mention someone told me the only reason I want to bang this dude is because I am lacking in the physical affection department currently–once I start getting laid on a regular basis I’ll let you guys know if he was right.)

- (in reference to my refusal to use/purchase an iPhone) “If I wanted to use a touchscreen, I would’ve gotten a job at fucking McDonald’s.”

- Some dude: “How do you get into the headspace for modeling anywho?”
Me: “I just take a lot of x, do a few lines and then think about all the unprotected sex I plan on having once I get done shooting… that gets me so riled up I make good sex face.”

- Some dude #2: “Julene doesn’t like anything except PBR and unprotected sex.”
Me: “No, I like weed too!”
Me: “And barely legal dudes!”

- “I know how to bully girls into doing what I want, in case I ever decide to pursue rape as a hobby”

- [Julene] 12:29 pm: dear farhaad
[Julene] 12:29 pm: i know where your mom lives
[Some Dude] 12:29 pm: hahah
[Julene] 12:29 pm: don’t you start too
[Julene] 12:29 pm: i will kill you.
[Julene] 12:29 pm: and make your mom cook me dinner after.

**These were only altered to fix spelling and punctuation errors so you don’t think everyone I talk to online is dyslexic. Like what I have to do for Jimmy James, among my many other ‘handi-capable’ friends.

I suddenly am having the revelation that this guy has always been typecast into being a guido. Someone throw me back in time so I can give my adolescent self a series of brutal bitch slappings. He’s been removed from the list for his jawline restructuring into that of a man instead of a round-faced boy. What can I say… I like ‘em lookin’ young.

I’m so glad my friends don’t bother reading this blog right now. Excuse me while I go vomit up the last bit of my self-respect.