ickis.com / Julene Horowitz

You guys have read about my adventures in e-dating and have clearly noticed the fact that few dudes last past three or four outings. One time I met a dude off the internet, and he was actually pretty cool. Attractive, smart, fun in bed; the trifecta of a good time. He was going to be leaving end of January for military shit overseas and things were flowing appropriately for that type of separation to be looming in the future. While it seemed like something legit could result, I wasn’t worried about it; I figured he’d leave and that would be the end of that.

I left town for New Years, and our communication became increasingly infrequent. This was the kind of guy whose phone died while he was out with friends so he borrowed his friend’s phone to keep texting (and then call) me; not responding to a text letting him know I was back in town for several weeks seems like a textbook case of loss of interest to me.

I’m a strong believer that ladies should not chase men or buses. When dudes flake I wind up putting all that energy into getting shit done. DMAC, m’dears. I was bummed that I didn’t get the last few weeks of quality romping out of it, but that was about it.

Until the Mormon (okay – former Mormon, but it’s what he’s being referred to for storytelling purposes) sent me a text in response to the last thing I had sent him a few weeks prior. Guys out there, that’s some super ballsy shit to try to pull with any girl. We always remember how long it’s been since the last time we spoke, and you acting like you haven’t been ignoring us adds insult to injury. So I sent him a sassy message which pretty clearly let him know to fuck off.

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The problem with this e-dating thing is that occassionally I make the mistake of venturing out of the safety of my little bed-nest to meet strangers. In public. You know what that means, right? Stories of dates I tried to forget about.

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My membership to the paid dating site I joined earlier this year will be ending soon, and I’ve got to say that may have been one of the worst $120 investments I’ve ever made. I met three people, none of whom anything significant panned out with. (For the record all three were pretty nice guys, but something was clearly missing or I wouldn’t still be telling you all about this.)

That being said, apparently summer love fever has kicked in and another profile of mine on a different site is really poppin’. Poppin’ so hard I have a few amusing goodies to share with you.

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I’ve been on a serious blog-reading kick lately, especially ones with user-driven updates. So when I realized EdenFantasys recently launched a blog portion of their site concerning sex culture I was intrigued–I already turn to them for all my daily LOLz of hipsters, chicks that shouldn’t be having kids, and dudes nobody should’ve dated.

A while back I read the Vice Guide to Eating Pussy and while it was funny, I don’t think a guide is what men need. I’m sorry, but following directions is not always your strong suit. I’m so glad I’m not the only person that noticed this, because Lindsay Lewis has now covered “The 25 Hallmarks of Bad Cunnilingus”. Her list had me laughing so hard I was afraid I was going to pee my pants, I’m pretty sure most female readers will enjoy it. As for the men, well… some of you will probably realize you’ve been doing it wrong. (more…)

Listen… just because I’m sleazy doesn’t mean I’m easy. If you’re going to flirt with me, be prepared to be shot down. Or at least wind up with our conversation posted on my blog. No hard feelin’s!

FailFlirt9000: can we make out next time i come to LA?
FailFlirt9000: if i cut my hair?
Me: no.
FailFlirt9000: what if i take you on a date?
Me: you stuck your dick between my friend’s boobs
Me: that makes you neuter in my book; you’re like a ken doll
FailFlirt9000: you cant prove that
Me: this isn’t court
FailFlirt9000: friends share!
FailFlirt9000: you dont think im kinda cute?
Me: you’re not my type
FailFlirt9000: is your type guys who havent touched your friend boobs with their dick?
FailFlirt9000: whats your type?
Me: normal dudes?
Me: bros!
FailFlirt9000: i work out and watch football
FailFlirt9000: i played laccross in the 8th grade!
Me: you can’t like… convince me you’re my type
Me: it doesn’t work that way
[awkward silence]
FailFlirt9000: haha

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Recently I joined a dating site–not even a free one, an expensive one I charged to my credit card (foolishly, considering the car towing debacle that went down shortly thereafter) and now I’m trying to figure out exactly where it puts me on the scale of desperation.

Several of my friends have asked why I’m on a dating site, and I can give you a really simple answer: because I seldom meet people who are of the caliber of a guy I’d want to actually date. I mean, it’s pretty rare I am ever on the same wavelength as the person I’m into. And how do I solve this problem? Why I do what any other geek would, and turn to the internet.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

• If there is a wink, nudge, flirt, woo, or any other feature that you could use to get someone’s attention without having to write a message… don’t use it. You look like a pussy and it makes me feel like nothing I’ve said about myself or my interests was interesting enough to warrant a message. Of all the wink/poke/prod/alerting I’ve received I’ve only messaged one person. And that is because he’s really, really good looking.
• Excessive complimenting should be avoided. It comes across like you are desperate–which I think both of us might be for using this website but let’s not go there–and you might worship the ground I walk on… sounds good in theory but in practice usually means I’ll think you’re a wimp. I don’t like wimps, because I am a tattooed badass… or something.
• Any of the following issues with your photos will probably lead to a lack of response: Myspace angles, all of them were taken with a camera phone, making a retard face in all photos you post, only having one picture up, photos clearly taken when everyone was still using film, and large groups of people where I can’t identify exactly which person you are.
• Apparently most people have not been told it’s in bad form to tell someone “they have siqq ink, bro.”
• Immediately asking for my phone number so we can ‘hang out’ is sketchy. Guess what girls do with messages from seemingly sketchy dudes? *DELETE!*
• Do not use something that sounds like it belongs on a t-shirt in Hot Topic to pick up on me. Case in point: “the voices told me to contact you” is not flattering at all. In fact, it makes me think there’s definite potential that you will threaten me with an axe at some point.
• This site is definitely geared towards the 30+ crowd, which might not be the best place for me. How can I tell? Because when it says “Someday, he will want children” below a potential date’s photo I feel my ovaries wither a little bit.

So far, precisely zero dates have occurred. I look forward to thoroughly embarrassing myself via internet while relating date stories.