A horrifying thing was brought to my attention yesterday: full grown women own charm bracelets. Not only do they own them, but the men they date/marry/sleep with and feign emotional attachment to PURCHASE THEM.
Sidenote: Why is it all bad news about dating habits presented to me via AIM?
- Male friend: Have you hit that charm bracelet stage of your life yet?
Me: …the what?
Male friend: Charm bracelet – do you own one?
Me: No… girls wore them when I was a kid.
Male friend: You’ll own one again. You’ll reach a point in your life where most guys will run out of things to get for you and they’ll buy you one.
Me: I will not! Any dudes buying me a charm bracelet better realize I’ll never wear it
Male friend: That way, every occasion – they can just buy you a charm and not really put any other thought into it.
Me: I will wear a thousand other stupid tacky hipster bullshit items–but not a charm bracelet. I’m not 10.
Male friend: Listen, that’s what 99% of guys do Julene.
Me: I’m sure by the time i reach the point where dudes are buying me gifts because they’re a semi-permanent addition to my life they can think of something better.
Male friend: Nope.
Me: You have to be joking me. Who the fuck buys a bitch a charm bracelet?
Male friend: I’m being 100% serious.
Me: You’ve taken this joke too far.
Male friend: That’s probably because I’m not joking
Me: YOU HAVE TO BE!
Male friend: Nope, seriously.
Me: This is the meanest thing you’ve ever told me. I hope you know you’re making me about 80% more likely to just adopt more cats right now. So when I’m 28 and not getting any and own a lot of shotguns, you can blame yourself.
I asked my friends via Facebook & Twitter because I figure if anyone can bring me answers, it’s people I don’t know from the internet. Denial’s a pretty thing, right?
Dear males: have you (in your adult life) bought a charm/charm bracelet for a girl you were seeing? Be serious, this is for science.
This is the kind of shit that makes me wonder two things: one, how I never picked up on this before now and two, why dudes never buy me shit. Actually I can answer the second question without any assistance. I think I have to make it past the “casually seeing each other for three weeks” mark for a dude to consider buying me presents.
The general consensus seems to be that this is totally normal and not at all weird–I’m in denial, guys. Except for a few dudes out there who responded with the same level of shock/disgust/confusion as I did it seems like this is men’s gift of choice. Personally if it were my man-friend I’d be asking for cookies, Coach purses, a fully customized boyfriend for when he’s out of town, a wide variety of footwear and humorous t-shirts. But I guess not every girl is to the point in their life when they realize that a nice handbag is worth way more than some jingle-jangle shit up on their wrist.
So gentlemen, if you’re having a hard time deciding on a gift that will potentially lead to your leading lady giving you “baby I love you” booty… charm bracelets. Just make sure you do a little snooping first, on the offhand chance she (like me) would text all her friends later to tell them what a fag you are.
**Friendship, tennis, and any other variation on the bracelet theme counts. If you’ve done it, fess up. You’re light years ahead of… well, me.