25 ways to fail at giving oral sex

I’ve been on a serious blog-reading kick lately, especially ones with user-driven updates. So when I realized EdenFantasys recently launched a blog portion of their site concerning sex culture I was intrigued–I already turn to them for all my daily LOLz of hipsters, chicks that shouldn’t be having kids, and dudes nobody should’ve dated.

A while back I read the Vice Guide to Eating Pussy and while it was funny, I don’t think a guide is what men need. I’m sorry, but following directions is not always your strong suit. I’m so glad I’m not the only person that noticed this, because Lindsay Lewis has now covered “The 25 Hallmarks of Bad Cunnilingus”. Her list had me laughing so hard I was afraid I was going to pee my pants, I’m pretty sure most female readers will enjoy it. As for the men, well… some of you will probably realize you’ve been doing it wrong.

Of course no post is complete without me adding my two cents, so here they are:

    - I remember once I had a guy drag his facial hair across my lady bits, and I didn’t even realize I’d kneed him in the ear until he was clutching his head and rolling on the floor. Really lads, it’s in your own best interest to either shave or at least not try to use your prickly chin to exfoliate my labia.

    - I know you saw in it your favorite video, but tongue fucking is lame. I thought I was the only girl that wasn’t into it; it’s a good time to be wrong. Guess porno has led you boys astray yet again!

    - Men with nails, you are cruel beasts. Nothing I tell you, nothing is worse than having your vagina raked. All hail the nail biters I say!

    - Just a thought but guys… do you really not want to give a girl the heads-up before diving mouth (or pinkie) first towards those uncharted waters? Not that your enthusiasm isn’t appreciated or whatever.

    - I sort of disagree about the courtesy wipe–if a girl won’t kiss you after you go down, you probably shouldn’t be giving her oral. Just don’t be surprised when she moves in for the kill shortly after you getting the best blowjob of your life, nah’mean?

    - Who taught guys the lick-n-stick? Is that ingrained in you from birth–seriously I want to know. I know you keep lube around in case some girl begs you to give it to her greek style (you know, like that collection of movies I see hiding on your bookshelf) so quit being cheap and share the lub(e). And speaking of lube, please avoid anything heated, scented, or flavored. The alcohol content fucks up the pH levels of the twat, making all involved parties very sorry indeed.

    - Let me do you a favor: if you don’t want to go down just say no. Nothing is worse than unenthusiastic oral, because you aren’t fooling anyone. Especially us, though sometimes we fool you by faking it to just move onto something else.

    - Failure to respond to hints, taps, etc. Listen, if a girl tells you to stop, slow up, change your pace, or in any other way indicates that you’re doing it wrong and you don’t listen you’re clearly missing the point. Just give up while you’re ahead. (There’s a pun in there somewhere.)

    - A serious note about queefing. “Etiquette: It didn’t happen, you didn’t hear it, and it is to be ignored completely and totally.”

My commentary aside, I was super stoked to see this girl covered all the bases–I hope she blogs again soon. This time maybe about hilarious anal “don’ts”, because we all know those yield the greatest possible LOL-factor.

April 8, 2009 – 10:16 pm | By Julene | Posted in Sex Related | Tagged , , , , , | View Comments
  • http://myspace.com/jennaofgodsgirls miss vajenna

    UHH THE SCRUFF IS THE WORST. it feels like someone is sanding down my vag. seriously.
    and queefing – embarrassing. lets pretend it never happened.
    also biting on the clit, not cool. no one wants their clit bit. it’s fucking sensitive and that shit hurts.

  • http://myspace.com/jennaofgodsgirls miss vajenna

    UHH THE SCRUFF IS THE WORST. it feels like someone is sanding down my vag. seriously.
    and queefing – embarrassing. lets pretend it never happened.
    also biting on the clit, not cool. no one wants their clit bit. it’s fucking sensitive and that shit hurts.

  • john

    Hmmmm. The interesting thing about this list is while it takes into account that some women like some things done a little different here and there, no two women like it done the same way. More than likely this is why her attempts were failures. It is most likely because she tried to give tongue the way she herself likes it. Not the right approach here, and you ladies should know that. If a guy tells you he is good at oral it means that his last girl friend/significant other had him trained the right way. I personally believe that to be good at this (and by good I don’t mean “thanks, that was great” good, I mean “holy shit! I can’t breath! When can we do that again!?”good, the kind of good that leads to involuntary electric shock like twitching at the tiniest flick of the tongue) you have to truly want to give her pleasure with out worrying about when it is your turn. (trust me if you reach true goodness here you won’t ever have to worry about when it is your turn). It is about giving complete focus to what and who you are doing. It is about feeling her movements, about reading her rhythms, about responding to her body as she responds to your mouth. And I say mouth here. The Porn videos make me laugh hysterically. Your tongue does not have to hang out of your mouth to do this right. It is about using your lips AND your tongue AND (yes believe it or not ) sometimes your teeth (especially if there is a piercing involved, there is a certain intensity about metal clicking on enamel). It is about using your hands to touch and caress her, to find that special little spot (or spots) that will add that little something. Once you find her special unique rhythm it is more about consistency rather than the change up. The change up might work in baseball. If the pitcher keeps throwing the same pitch the batter will hit a home run, all a change up does here is score a strike which is not a good thing to the person at bat. Pay attention and you will know what to do next or when to stop or when to go faster. It is all there for you if you only are willing to give her the time she deserves. This is my approach. Am I good at oral? It is not for me to say.

  • john

    Hmmmm. The interesting thing about this list is while it takes into account that some women like some things done a little different here and there, no two women like it done the same way. More than likely this is why her attempts were failures. It is most likely because she tried to give tongue the way she herself likes it. Not the right approach here, and you ladies should know that. If a guy tells you he is good at oral it means that his last girl friend/significant other had him trained the right way. I personally believe that to be good at this (and by good I don’t mean “thanks, that was great” good, I mean “holy shit! I can’t breath! When can we do that again!?”good, the kind of good that leads to involuntary electric shock like twitching at the tiniest flick of the tongue) you have to truly want to give her pleasure with out worrying about when it is your turn. (trust me if you reach true goodness here you won’t ever have to worry about when it is your turn). It is about giving complete focus to what and who you are doing. It is about feeling her movements, about reading her rhythms, about responding to her body as she responds to your mouth. And I say mouth here. The Porn videos make me laugh hysterically. Your tongue does not have to hang out of your mouth to do this right. It is about using your lips AND your tongue AND (yes believe it or not ) sometimes your teeth (especially if there is a piercing involved, there is a certain intensity about metal clicking on enamel). It is about using your hands to touch and caress her, to find that special little spot (or spots) that will add that little something. Once you find her special unique rhythm it is more about consistency rather than the change up. The change up might work in baseball. If the pitcher keeps throwing the same pitch the batter will hit a home run, all a change up does here is score a strike which is not a good thing to the person at bat. Pay attention and you will know what to do next or when to stop or when to go faster. It is all there for you if you only are willing to give her the time she deserves. This is my approach. Am I good at oral? It is not for me to say.

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