Recently I joined a dating site–not even a free one, an expensive one I charged to my credit card (foolishly, considering the car towing debacle that went down shortly thereafter) and now I’m trying to figure out exactly where it puts me on the scale of desperation.
Several of my friends have asked why I’m on a dating site, and I can give you a really simple answer: because I seldom meet people who are of the caliber of a guy I’d want to actually date. I mean, it’s pretty rare I am ever on the same wavelength as the person I’m into. And how do I solve this problem? Why I do what any other geek would, and turn to the internet.
Here’s what I’ve learned so far:
- If there is a wink, nudge, flirt, woo, or any other feature that you could use to get someone’s attention without having to write a message… don’t use it. You look like a pussy and it makes me feel like nothing I’ve said about myself or my interests was interesting enough to warrant a message. Of all the wink/poke/prod/alerting I’ve received I’ve only messaged one person. And that is because he’s really, really good looking.
- Excessive complimenting should be avoided. It comes across like you are desperate–which I think both of us might be for using this website but let’s not go there–and you might worship the ground I walk on… sounds good in theory but in practice usually means I’ll think you’re a wimp. I don’t like wimps, because I am a tattooed badass… or something.
- Any of the following issues with your photos will probably lead to a lack of response: Myspace angles, all of them were taken with a camera phone, making a retard face in all photos you post, only having one picture up, photos clearly taken when everyone was still using film, and large groups of people where I can’t identify exactly which person you are.
- Apparently most people have not been told it’s in bad form to tell someone “they have siqq ink, bro.”
- Immediately asking for my phone number so we can ‘hang out’ is sketchy. Guess what girls do with messages from seemingly sketchy dudes? *DELETE!*
- Do not use something that sounds like it belongs on a t-shirt in Hot Topic to pick up on me. Case in point: “the voices told me to contact you” is not flattering at all. In fact, it makes me think there’s definite potential that you will threaten me with an axe at some point.
- This site is definitely geared towards the 30+ crowd, which might not be the best place for me. How can I tell? Because when it says “Someday, he will want children” below a potential date’s photo I feel my ovaries wither a little bit.
So far, precisely zero dates have occurred. I look forward to thoroughly embarrassing myself via internet while relating date stories.