Please die.

I don’t want to know hordes of people, unless these particular people will hand me money or generally be awesome. The likelihood of most people I meet fulfilling either of these requirements (not to mention both at the same time) is pretty slim. I can say I most definitely do not want to meet people who use any of the following words/acronyms on any of their social networking profiles, or in their initial messages to me:

- DGAF: If you were 14 your blind admiration for a bunch of stoners with motorcycles would be more understandable. But odds are you’re in your late 20′s and just want to look like a bad-ass because you, apparently, “don’t give a fuck”.

- ASL: I hate to nitpick, but isn’t all of the information you’re asking for readily available by say, reading my profile?

- AIM/Yahoo/MSN: Odds are if you don’t have it, you aren’t going to get it by sending me a message saying you want to cam chat because I’m so “sexii”. Why don’t you take yourself over to CamWhores if you want to talk to a girl via instant messenger that will feign interest in your sexual desire for her?

- ICP: Look motherfucker, I moved out of Denver. I’ve had it with you juggalos. QUIT TRYING TO BE MY FRIEND!

- Tatts/tatt/tatted/anything where you say “tatts”: You sound like a fucking retard. End of discussion.

- Nicknames like… ma, boo, grrl, and so forth: Look, I don’t know where you heard I wanted to be called any of these obnoxious names, but I don’t. You’re making yourself sound like a hoodrat (which is unappealing) and insulting the fact that my name is readily available for you to call me by. Hell, you could even omit any kind of name usage altogether!

- Anything involving a telephone number: I have precisely zero interest in calling you, and even less interest in giving you the ability to call me. I will not even respond to your message if you included a phone number, because I could be a serial killer for all you know… and now I have your digits. Just because you’re desperate doesn’t mean I should know that 3 seconds into being made aware of your existence.

- ___core or ___edge: Most likely you’ve made up this word. HateXcore? CandyXcore? Where the fuck are you people coming from? I hope your mother tells you on a regular basis she’s ashamed of you.

I need to stop before I continue on tangent for an hour or two. I should probably be misusing all my Myspace contacts to make friends with retards with credit cards that want to foot the bill for me to drink.

So… if you’re going to buy me booze be as big of an idiot as you want. Just realize I will probably wait until I am incapable of properly pronouncing any of the words I used above to tell you that I think you’re a douchenozzle.