Blaming me via voicemail

There’s a few ex-boyfriends I have remained friends with. Actually, it’s more like we became friends again after I quit hating them for whatever stupid shit they did prior to our breakup.

I’m notorious for never checking my voicemail. So upon cleaning out the 14 voicemails I’ve accumulated in the past week and a half, one happened to be from an ex. It went a little something like this:

Hi! How are you? I wish you still lived here so we could drink a lot of Guinness and chainsmoke. I am calling to tell you things, like the fact that without you I probably I wouldn’t have the taste in women that I do. You know, tattooed and fucking nuts!

Because I haven’t done a whole lot of fucking lately, I went out and bought two porn dvd’s for $80. Why couldn’t I be like a normal guy and go pick up movies that are buy one, get one $9.99? Oh wait, because I dated you and you forever warped my taste in women.

I just recently bought a computer and iPod, I feel like I turned into a capitalist. And I’m going to blame all of this solely on you so I don’t have to accept any responsibility in the fact that I am becoming a grown-up and need to possess grown-up things.

Oh, and I picked up a copy of one of Stoya’s movies… I fucking hate you so much right now. I remember when you shot with her but I didn’t realize she is so fucking hot. I am filled with jealousy.

Let me get this straight… in a three minute voicemail I have been blamed for making my ex favoring hot tattooed girls, spending too much on porn featuring aforementioned tattooed/alt. girls, him turning into a “capitalist” because of buying a computer, and he is pissed that I got to touch Stoya’s goodies and he didn’t. All things considered, I think that’s a pretty impressive list of charges.

Obviously, my work here is done.